Report to the Grays Harbor Commissioner

DATE: August 9, 2022

FROM: Kim Thomas, Grays Harbor County Auditor, prepared with the help of Shuchen Tian, County Auditor’s Assistant

TO: Jim Karlson, County Commissioner

RE: United States Supreme Court Velasco v. Maine decision and resulting investigation

INTRODUCTION: Per your request, my staff and I have compiled a report and recommended actions regarding the Velasco decision for Grays Harbor County, and the growing coverage of death-fraud in the press. This is an internal report. We recommend county officers not show it to the public, the press, or any representatives of the alterlife community.

BACKGROUND INFORMATION: In 2019, the United States Senate proposed the Twenty-Eighth Amendment to the Constitution, certifying the proposal with a vote of 73 to 27. The amendment was conceived in response to the growing awareness of communities designated “post-organic” or “deceased-American”

Comment from KThomas, 8-6-2022, 11:08 am: Can’t we just call them what they are?

Comment from STian, 8-6-2022, 1:16 pm: Most other terms are considered racial slurs. “Lich,” “vampire,” and “zombie” are particularly offensive. “Undead” and “revenant” are better, but not much. And “wight” confuses people.

STian, 1:17 pm: Some people back in Taiwan prefer “Jiangshi.”

KThomas, 1:24 pm: Just use alterlife. The commissioner won’t care.

STian, 2:08 pm: I think we should discuss this with the legal team.

Kthomas, 2:09pm: Just do it.

and intended to grant them a voice in democracy by removing the requirement that a citizen be alive to cast a vote. Thanks to a nationwide public groundswell and a donor campaign by wealthy alterlifes,

KThomas, 8-6-2022, 11:12 am: Not relevant background.

STian, 8-6-2022, 1:26 pm: Which part?

44 states ratified the amendment, which became the law of the land on October 8, 2019.

The country approached the 2020 presidential election with a radically changed electorate. Americans that had once lived off the grid in isolated communities emerged as a political force.

KThomas, 8-6-2022, 11:19 am: Is there a stronger way we can say this? Sounds like one of their pamphlets.

STian, 8-6-2022, 2:29 pm: I have a bulleted list prepared:

--Revenants purchased ConAgra Foods to ensure a steady blood supply

--Undead are petitioning to participate in the US Olympic Trials

--107 countries have refused entry to American-born liches on grounds of economic destabilization from the lack of death

--Incorporeals have destroyed the property values of at least

KThomas, 8-6-2022, 2:29 pm: I can see you typing more, don’t bother. It’ll only upset CC.

Before November, the Federal Election Commission heard complaints from remote precincts that local officials had struck voters off the rolls, claiming the voters in question were misusing the concept of legal death. “Pretending to exercise their 28th-amendment rights,” read a statement from Harding County, New Mexico, in response to one such complaint, “fraudsters have in fact been voting multiple times under the cover of the newly-changed constitutional definition of death.”

Ashley Velasco of Portland, Maine, was selected by the American Civil Liberties Union to be the banner case for alterlife voting rights. A revenant, Velasco testified that she was turned during a year spent homeless after fleeing an abusive boyfriend

KThomas, 11:24 am: Change to “complex domestic situation”

and that the individuals who accosted her later provided her employment on a collective farm. She further testified that an auditor’s clerk informed her she had been labeled a “fraud risk” and denied her a registration form, refusing to clarify. She was unable to vote in the election. ACLU attorneys eventually appealed the case to the Supreme Court, which ruled

KThomas, 11:27 am: Mention it was a 5-4 decision.

STian, 2:34 pm: Why?

KThomas: 2:37 pm: It’s required by guidelines.

STian, 2:39 pm: I can’t find any reference to that in the assignment.

KThomas, 2:40 pm: Do you want to be writing this or not, Shuchen?

that her 28th amendment rights had been violated.

RELEVANCE TO GHC: Grays Harbor County has one of the largest populations of alterlifes in the state, being home to both the Cougar Smith Farm of immigrant Jiangshi and the Makah canoe-burial site in Olympic National Park. Representatives of both communities have brought stories of disenfranchisement to the media.

They have been seeking more electoral power due to what they describe as horrific conditions on their sequestered land. “They tell me I can’t vote, I’m dead,” said incorporeal Makah Ancestor Sam Briggs to the Aberdeen Daily World, “like they gave a damn when we were alive. We’ve made the ultimate sacrifice for this country. If they won’t recognize us now, then when?”

KThomas, 2:41 pm: I know you added that last section after you read my comment above. Don’t be childish.

STian, 2:43 pm: What do you want me to say, Kim? That everything is fine with these people, and they’d like to be able to vote but they can laugh it off?

STian, 2:44 pm: I’ve been out to these places. People think just because ghosts don’t eat, or because jiangshi get all the blood they need from their animals, that everything must be easy-peasy out there. I’ve seen the jiangs give the young ones the first crack at a scraggly cow while they sit and count coins or rocks to distract themselves from going mad with hunger. And the Makah don’t bother to call the police when those “freelance exorcists” come out to hound them.

KThomas, 2:45 pm: Shuchen. Enough.

STian, 2:46 pm: Even the ones that do well need the help. Would Jim have let those vampires buy ConAgra if the deal had gone down in GHC? What’s he done to show he deserves that power?

KThomas, 2:46 pm: My office. Now.

Following the Supreme Court’s decision, Governor Anwar directed all counties in Washington to cease inquiries into death-fraud cases. “Our great state will not tolerate interference in democracy from any direction,” his statement read. “If they can walk, talk, or breathe, let them vote. If they can’t, let them rest.”

Alone among state officials, Grays Harbor County Commissioner Jim Karlson vowed to resist Anwar’s directive. “This is a blatant giveaway to fraud forced through by undead special interests,” he said to reporters. “Our hardworking voters will not tolerate it.”

RESULTS OF COUNTY AUDITOR REVIEW: The County Auditor’s Office cross-referenced the names of voters declared dead with the Deceased-American Registry (DAR), for which all American alterlifes were required to present themselves during the 2020 census. In two months of work, we discovered two hundred and forty-nine cases of dead identities falsely claimed as alterlife in order to let one individual vote multiple times.

RECOMMENDATIONS: We recommend that Commissioner Karlson strike these names from the rolls pending a criminal review. Furthermore, we recommend controlled communication with the press over the next six months to emphasize our struggle against the Alterlife Lobby. Talking points:

--Connect voter fraud and the undead constantly

--Reference powerful Revenant and Lich business interests and downplay communities such as those in GHC

--Avoid “human” stories like the skeleton Olympic archer

--Overall, consistently remain in the role of resistance

CONCLUSION: The war against fraud will be fought against both the criminals themselves and well-meaning “activists.” Commissioner Karlson has the support of a silent majority all across the country, and should remember that

Comment by STian, 11:31 pm, 6-8-2022: Commissioner Karlson, this is Shuchen Tian, Kim Thomas’s assistant at the County Auditor’s office. She isn’t used to word processing--it’s my job--so I was able to insert this note that will only appear in one version the report. If you’re reading this, it means you followed my anonymous text. I can’t tell you how grateful I am that you read this far.

I am writing this to tell you the 249 cases of falselife voting are a lie. Do you want to know how many we really found? Two. One per month of work. We surveyed 60,000 registrations.

Kim Thomas ordered me to write this report after she’d already decided to feed you fake numbers. I tried to stay within my job parameters at first. I wrote what she told me to write and inserted other details that would make you sympathetic to the alterlifes. She caught all of it.

Commissioner, my mother is Jiangshi. She died of a brain tumor in Taiwan just days before my father moved our family to Washington. She was so excited to come with us. Even after the doctor gave her the prognosis, all she could talk about was Grays Harbor County, of the cedars and the mountains. She wanted to see an orca.

We have no idea who turned her. The police in Taipei aren’t interested in following up on an emigrant’s case. We are trying to make the best of what she is now--we moved closer to Cougar Smith and visit every day--but it’s so hard. And now you’re on TV trying to take away her vote.

Ms. Thomas wrote the last part of the report after the comments end. I had nothing to do with it. I’m probably going to lose my job here, and so this is the last chance I have of doing anything like this. Of saying what needs to be said.

Please, Commissioner. I know what you’re afraid of. How many times in the last few years you’ve woken up and found everything spinning farther and farther away from its axis Not a single one of the people you’re trying to suppress doesn’t understand that feeling. Drive up Cougar Smith Road if you don’t believe me.

There’s no such thing as an end of history, Mr. Karlson. Times have changed. Nobody gets to not change.

the hopes of ordinary Americans are riding on his leadership against the powerful forces that seek to oppress us

The Ravens

A Many Splendored Thing